Why Your Employees Doubt Your Empathy: A Neurobiological Solution for Leaders

The 2023 Ernst & Young LLP “Empathy in Business Survey” found that 86% of employees believe empathetic leadership boosts morale, but 52% of employees currently believe their company’s efforts to be empathetic toward staff are dishonest.

What’s creating this gap and, more importantly, how can leaders bridge it in ways that deliver value not just in the form of deeper connection, but in broader business performance?

In my previous articles, I discuss how tactical empathy allows an individual to demonstrate thoughtful consideration of someone’s position to make them feel understood. A manager deploying tactical empathy notices an experience, names the experience, and, when the other party is ready, offers a solution to or a reframing of their experience.

Noticing, naming, and offering a solution to an employee’s problem is a crucial practice every manager should embrace to drive belonging among their teams. And as the EY survey reveals, employees can and will sniff out inauthentic attempts at empathy.

Let’s explore the powerful language leaders should adopt to successfully leverage tactical empathy and foster connection among their teams—specifically, “resonant language.”

What is resonant language?

According to Sarah Peyton, neuroscience educator and author of Your Resonant Self, resonance is feeling into something that someone else is experiencing with them, being moved by a sense of their emotions, and asking, verbally or nonverbally, whether what we’re perceiving aligns with what that person is feeling.

In the context of tactical empathy, you use what you notice to connect to another’s reality. Resonance requires an individual to actively involve themselves in another’s experience. An individual using resonant language senses whether another’s experience and understanding of it correlates and, thus, connects.

Resonant language is not used to “make someone right,” or placate another in some way. Instead, it is used to fuel real, meaningful dialogue between two people. According to quantum physicist David Bohm, “Real dialogue is where two or more people become willing to suspend their certainty in each other’s presence.”

The neurobiology of resonance

Our brains are wired to belong—and can be rewired by the relationships we keep and the words we speak. Resonant language prioritizes the right hemisphere (relational)—which is also responsible for regulating stress—allowing an individual to notice feelings, discern needs, and put powerful words to them. Naming what we need sends a calming signal to both our amygdala and broader nervous system. Putting feelings into words—”I’m feeling frustrated, hurt, anxious, etc.”—is known as affect labeling, which disrupts amygdala activity that is responsible for negative emotional reactions.

Resonant language in action

Effective tactical empathy using resonant language helps managers build deeper connections with their teams. Remember the three steps: Notice. Name. Offer a solution.

This order is critical—resonance can only come after naming the experience is complete and fully acknowledged. Look for verbal and physical cues in your conversation. Is your counterpart nodding, showing that they are listening to and understanding what you’re saying? Are they offering course correction in response to your solution? For example, if you offer a question such as, “Are you experiencing confusion around this situation?” and your counterpart offers a correction (“I’m actually feeling really frustrated with the situation”), use this as an opportunity to build connection as opposed to getting defensive.

Consider these other scenarios and resonant phrases to identify and get to the root of an unmet need in any scenario:

Perhaps a team member comes to you after a meeting in which you provided negative feedback on their presentation in front of the entire team. They tell you they felt disempowered and deflated during and following the meeting. Thank them for sharing, then ask, “Was there a particular thing I did that triggered this experience for you?” Listen closely and ensure you fully understand before you offer a solution. Perhaps they point out that it was specifically because you chose to deliver critical feedback in front of the team. Then, offer a solution: “In the future, would you prefer I deliver constructive feedback in a one-on-one environment?” You have reached resonance when you yield a “yes” from them.

In other conflict scenarios, ask:

• “What’s the deeper concern here?”

• “What’s missing for you that’s making this not work?”

• “How do we move forward together?”

Resonant language can also be used to celebrate wins and authentically acknowledge your team. Following an achievement, use resonant language to exemplify your understanding of the task at hand and, more importantly, how it correlates to an individual’s values or goals (I call this “performance appreciation”).

Instead of only sharing a “good job” or “great work,” dig deeper. Offer an observation such as, “You worked so hard on this project, that must feel really satisfying.” Or validate their work by stating, “I can tell you took the time to research and ensure the details you put into this project were accurate.”

Forging deeper connections through resonant language isn’t simply a “feel-good” exercise—it’s a method of enhancing performance and increasing engagement that can add tangible business value. A 2020 report from Accenture revealed that aligning leadership’s perspectives with those of their employees could boost global profits by $3.7 trillion—but the gap between leaders who think they’ve created an inclusive culture and employees who feel they belong is staggering (68% to 36%, respectively).

Tactical empathy is a powerful tool for connection. And with trillions of dollars on the table, business leaders can’t afford to overlook it. Repeated, consistent, and effective usage of resonant language through tactical empathy can deepen the grooves in the right hemisphere, literally rewiring our brains to create a shared understanding and redefine what it means to be in connection as a team.

Read the original article here: Your employees think your efforts at empathy are dishonest. Neurobiology offers a solution